my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize