I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
