Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
