Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
