Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
