no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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