I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
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All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
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I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night