ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil