Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Even my vagina gasped.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
