I CAN MOONWALK!
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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