Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
