I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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