At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
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Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize