who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
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Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
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Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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