It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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