hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
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Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
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when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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