Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
