I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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