Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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