Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
foreskin is a definite game changer
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
