throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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