hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
no, he came in my armpit
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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