I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Sacagawea was the original milf.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
