You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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