I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
she smelled like a LAN party
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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