you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
