Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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