true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
