I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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