My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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