i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
And then my night got REAL pukey
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
