he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
