if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
