I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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