Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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