Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
