i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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