Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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