is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
