home. puking in laundry basket.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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