It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
