I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
