Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
