Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
The ass gains better be worth it
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