I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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