Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
