I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
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He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
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I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize