Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
