Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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