wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
