Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
