If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
God I need to hump something, right now.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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